No Regrets.

Long time, No write..

2010-03-26T17:44:00.002-05:00

I seriously considered deleting this account.

I tend to be a "in the moment" writer and I write about what I feel. At times, I can be, too open. I shared things on this blog that I do not regret, but I do look at and wince. The memories aren't even that fresh and they still bother me just a little bit. However that would be a step back in my mental recovery.

As much as it would have been much more pleasant to start over and being with a new blog, it would take away from the meaning of "this" blog. I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, to move forward and never backwards, to leave the past where it belongs, behind me. And I will do just that, I will leave the words I wrote a while back there, to remind me that I will not repeat my mistakes in the future. But I will update you all on my life so far.

I am young, I know this, and sometimes I make foolish desicions, but they are mine and I am glad I live my life on my own terms and try to be the best person possible. I do, however, fail often and I try just as often to stand back up and try again. I recently encountered a few...dishonest..people in my life. The kind of people you trust, then you spend any alone time with them and they show you what kind of person they "really" are. I would like to think that I am not naieve, but I suppose I am. I trust often and let people be my friends, and in the end , very few of them turn out to be good people. I would like to not think that this is a character flaw in myself, to be kind to people, but I fear that in this day and age.. there are too many wicked people out there making bad names for the good ones, and it's hard for me to distinguish who they are. Anyway, a few people have hurt me, and said some untrue things, making it hard for me to connect with myself and others. I am coming out of a 4 month depression, trying to lift myself up after the loss of my career, my apartment, my money, my posessions, my credit, my pride. I even went through a time when I thought my best friend was going to commit suicide... I was the one she called out to, I was the one who called the police, I was the one who sat through her treatment and waited for her to recover, always being there on the other side of the phone.. I held her problems on my shoulders, as I hold the weight of my mothers judgement, and the weight of my job loss and other things. My shoulders were too heavy.. and I didn't even think to let God take it. His hands are so much stronger than mine. I am letting him have it. Letting him take it, and things are getting easier.

So, I am starting over. I have a job interview for a company I love. I am in a healthy relationship. {I can't even tell you how awful the last one ended. You never realize how evil a person is until they decide to throw a fit...over YOUR birthday. } I am in a house that is being taken care of and I will be starting school...

Things DO get better. Just have faith. :)

Irony.

2009-08-05T22:09:00.002-05:00

It really slaps you in the face.
Irony really has a way of putting you in your place.
Do you know how funny the word "fired" is?
It's the one word that instilled fear and positivity into me at the same time when it was uttered. When an employer looks you in the face and hands you a piece of paper telling you they.."hate doing this but.."
It's hte but that gets me. I would have much rather just had her stick it to me, like.."Hey..You sucked. Mk? Get out. " That's much nicer than the "Well it was this this this this this and this". I don't need her explinations. What I need is a new job.
I fear the loss of my home, seeing as I pay rent and bills, and I fear being unable to feed myself and I selfishly fear a ruined birthday.
But I also see the good in the loss. I lost a job, but I gained a freedom. I felt very confined. God was just telling me to switch my view from compact to long-range.
The funny thing is I loved that job. Despite the politics and the secrecy and the sometimes mistreatment of certain employees there, I loved the children.
When you work with children you gain a sort of attitude where little things in your life sort of seem meaningless. Sure, my dishes were dirty, but I had helped a child learn sign language or how to spell, or write. My laundry was in need of doing, but I got to see someone smile, an innocent smile, a smile that can change the world.
But God will open doors to make up for the one he shut. All I need do is wait, pray, and know that this is his plan, this is his way of setting me where I need to be.

As I mourn the job I have lost, and the loss of the kids I have met and loved, I take the time to realize that I have so many good things in my life. I have a loving bunch of friends, I have a loving man in my life, I have a home ...

God thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for being there in my times of need. Thank you for never letting me giving up and thank you for putting those people in my life that will never let me give up.

Thank you.

Change.

2009-08-05T00:01:00.003-05:00

Venting to commence in 3 seconds.
1..
2..
3..
Life is surely strange.It cycles and changes and whirls and steadies..

Life never stays the same.

New years, new ages, new bodies, new things, new people. Oh man is it strange. I know I am young and all this stuff is new, but I am just very caught off guard by the way things are thrown at you. I am not afraid of much, but I am afraid of ending up like my mother, of ending up alone, of ending up un-happy with myself because I made others happy before I thought of myself.

I understand selflessness, and I understand self-preservation...
but I could not bare to be forced into descisions that could change my entire life without having the proper amount of time to understand the descision, evalute it, adjust to it.

Am I over-analyzing my existance? Maybe I think I am meant for more, when I am already in the place I am supposed to be. What if I am in a place where I am stuck, waiting to go on to bigger and better things?

How do you know when you have gotten there? Questions like this plague me every day. DO I listen and strive to be better, or do I wait and see?

Sometimes all I can do is sit and listen, and wait for the answer by simply shutting up and letting go.

Venting completed.

Re-post.

2009-06-20T13:10:00.001-05:00

In the other blog it didnt post.The video is not going to show up, so here is the link. Please watch this.

http://connect.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=849dc7c803281df74bb2

Looking back.

2009-06-19T23:27:00.005-05:00

When you woke up this morning, did you look at yourself in the mirror? I did. I saw the same ol' me. I saw the girl that woke up on the right side of the bed, pajamas tangled in the sheets, hair stuck to the side of her head, and a bad case of morning breath. Now, I take a good look at that person and frown sometimes. No one likes to look like torn up in the morning. I mean, come on. The first thing you wanna see in the morning is not yourself looking pretty grimy. So I decided to try something new.

For once I looked past the tangled hair and pajamas, past the pale skin and blemishes, past all the faults this body has and saw that I was happy on the inside.It's didn't matter that I looked all gross and that I smelled a little funky. That doesn't mean I didn't remedy that right away by showering, but I still saw the inside rather than my outward appearance.

Tomorrow morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look in the mirror. Look past all your flaws, and see the beautful you inside.

Eph.2:10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them

This is a video I wanted to share, simply in the fact that it has changed my life. It put things in perspective for me. I wanted to share it with all of you because you are wonderful to me, no matter who you are, what you've done, or what you will do. =] Love, trust, and have faith. Enjoy.

http://connect.tangle.com/flash/swf/flvplayer.swf" FlashVars="viewkey=849dc7c803281df74bb2" wmode="transparent" quality="high" width="330" height="270" name="tangle" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="always" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" />

Plans.

2009-06-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

I suck, I repeat SUCK, at being patient. Sure, I am not as bad as those people that honk at a car right as the light turns green or anything like that, but I get so very impatient when it comes to things I want. If I want a movie, and I see it in the store and I have the money on me, that movie gets bought. If I hear a song on a YouTube video, I absolutely have to find it on my music site right away. It's ridiculous, but it's one of those...things. Everyone has a "thing" that they do that makes other people go.."Er, what's up with you?".

My finace lives in another state at the moment, finishing up his college degree so that we might live the most wonderous life and have our happily ever after, and I was extremely impatient at the beginning of our relationship. Like, I was impatient for his calls, his texts, his words, his thoughts, his very being. Oh yeah,I was super clingy. I was in the infatuation stage of the relationship, where everything had to be exciting and had to be right, otherwise I would just break up with him. He, of course, was wonderful,did everything right and treated me like a queen. I was still, however, impatient. And my impatience got me into some trouble. But God blessed him with the most patience any one on this earth could handle. He put his hands on the bond that we shared and made it strong again, and I thank Him every day for that.

But from every experience you earn knowledge about the future and how to handle it. God gave me patience. I now have the patience to handle the future of my relationship with my finace. I have the patience to look at myself in the mirror and realize that every fault I have shouldn't hold me back from what I want, what I need, what I love. I have so much respect for my love, who can hold his tongue even when his heart shouts, who can pray often, who can smile through the heartache, and who can love me even though my faults once held me away from him.

But God had other plans for us. Plans for him to be successful, plans for me to learn and teach, plans for him to be patient with me, plans for me to be patient with him and oh so many more good things.

So I leave this blog with with a wonderful quote from the bible.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future. "
- Jeremiah 29:11

Memories of School Days past.

2009-05-29T20:49:00.002-05:00

I watched them turn around and walk away. The little feet running towards their parents, their little hands filled with their works, their gifts, their little reminders that they were in school for 8 months of the last year. Of course 2 weeks in to summer they won't care who was their teacher last year, they probably wont even remember me! But I will remember them, and I will remember the things that THEY taught me. I've learned that patience is gained through experience. I've learned that everything a child has to say is VERY important to them. I've learned that a hug can heal everything. I've learned that when they win, I win! I've learned that God gives each one of us a place in life, and each child has so much potential to make that place so much brighter.

Another school year is over. Teachers wipe silent tears away as they watch their students go. Students smile as they remember that that teacher allowed them the access to knowledge that made them who they are.

The bond between a teacher and their student is forever, long after the graduation, the job after that, the reunion. I will forever take my students in my heart. And I thank God for the marvelous opportunity to be a helping hand to the little hands that grip mine at the beginning of a new school year.

Here's to the 2009 Fall School year!

Thank you God for a marvelous year, and for the wisdom I have gained.

My Dearest.

2009-05-13T11:24:00.003-05:00

The english translation to the song Somos Novios by Andrea Bocceli and Christina Aguilera.

We are a couple
because, we both feel mutual profound
loveAnd with that
We have won the biggest thing
of this world
We love, we kiss each other
Like a couple, We desire each other
And some times without reasons,without motive
We get angryWe are a couple
We maintain a clean and pure affection
Like everyone
We look for the darkest moment
To speak to each other,To give each other the sweetest of the kisses
To remember what color are the cherry trees
Without making further comments
We are a couple
It's just impossible
We love, we kiss each other
Like a couple, We desire each other
And some times without reasons,without motive!
We get angry
without reasons, without motive
We are a couple
We maintain a clean and pure affection
Like everyone, like everyone
We look for the darkest moment To speak to each other,
To give each other the sweetest of the kisses
To remember what color are the cherry trees
Without making further comments
We are a couple
We are a couple
Always a couple
We are a couple

That's for my husband to be. I love you honey.

I'm an optomistic failure.

2009-05-12T13:02:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, when I am watching the televsion, I evaluate the people I see doing things and i judge them on it. Now, I don't know these people, nor do I know who they conduct their business, their lives, their... anything. Yet, I pre-judge them and I feel better about myself for it, because I was sooo "cool" for pointing something negative out. You know, like when you watch some weight loss show and you laugh about how the overweight person can't finish running up the hill. I don't think I would do that, due to the fact that I used to BE that person..so..yeah.
Any how, do you get my point? People pre-judge by the appearance of a person.
Now it's your turn to judge me.
I am a normal woman , with a very normal life. I get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. Sounds like a boring lifestyle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have friends over and such, just not that often. And people judge me every day. I am judged for my age in the workplace.
I don't see a problem with being the youngest assistant, because I do my job to my best ability and I shouldn't be teased about my age just because some older woman is jealous of my youth.
I am judged for my relatioship with God. I love God, I turn to him for everything..I smile when I think of him, I pray as much as I can.. yet I have people in my life who would frown upon me for my God.
I am judged for my weight. I am not small, nor am I huge, but I am not at a comfortable weight for myself and I feel a little...un-attractive.
I am judged for my relationship. I have a finace who lives in Missouri. Yes I've met him, we've known each other for 2 years...IN PERSON. He just happens to be in college and I just happen to love my job here. He will be here soon. :)
I can overcome all of those things. I can forget what people say and let go and let God handle all of that stuff. It isn't that hard. BUT...I have difficulty overcoming this one huge mess up in my life.
I cheated.
And I cheated horribly. I was a wimpy, ignorant, silly girl who thought physical intimacy would make up for the gap in my relationship with my finace. It didn't help. I fell flat on my face, and told my mn as soon as he got here on his break from college. Of course he was upset..in fact..he was going to leave. But for some odd reason..he did not leave. He kissed me and told me I needed to make it up to him by being his and only his for the rest of his life. I agreed and things are better, but you can never shake this feeling of regret. Oh the irony. The title of my blog is NO REGRETS. HMM?! I messed up. But I realized that I can't regret this mess up in my life. If it had not happened I would not have grown stronger from it, and I wouldn't be writing this for other people to hear.

I fought my self about writing this down for all the internet, or at least a few bloggers, to read and gasp and judge me about.But I realized I have already been judged by God, and I have no one else to convince. I have been forgiven, I have let go, and I am happy to say that I can love MYSELF again.
So smile and remember that even the bad things in life have positive outcomes, whether it be experience, or self-forgiveness, or self-love, knowledge, or appreciation.

I thank God for my flaws, for my mess ups, for my failures. They made me strong in my faith and in my life.

May all of you learn from your failures, and your trials. God Bless you all, and have a wonderful week discovering what a wonderful person you really are.

Awkward nick-names?

2009-04-07T13:26:00.002-05:00

1. Your rock star name (first pet/current vehicle) - Abigail Geo
2. Your Gangsta name (favourite ice cream flavour/fave type of shoe) - Mint chocolate chip flip flop
3. Your Native American name (fave colour/favourite animal) - Green Cat
4. Your soap opera name (middle name/city of birth) - Kaitlyn Amarillo
5. Your Star Wars name (first 3 letters of last name/first 2 letters of first name) Emead
6. Your Superhero name (second fave colour/fave drink) - Yellow Tea
7. Your NASCAR name (first names of your grandfathers) - Bill Bob
8. Your dancer name (favourite scent/fave candy) - Cinnamon twizzlers
9. TV Weather Anchor name (5th grade teacher/city that starts with the same letter) - Parker Pittsburgh
10. Your spy name (fave season/flower) - Fall Lily
11. Your cartoon name (favourite fruit/article of clothing you are wearing) - Mango Pants
12. Your hippie name (what you had for breakfast/favourite tree) - Doughnut Pine
13. Your porn star name (first pet/first address) - Abigail Washington. LOL!!!!!

Pick your favorites and play along on your own blog or in the comments.

Cramps!

2009-04-06T17:17:00.002-05:00

Being a woman is hard, but being a woman in a relationship is harder. Its like opening up part of your chest, and offering it to someone. When they hurt you , its like they ripped part of your heart out and poured salt where the rest remained. When they love you, its like they added better parts to you, and sewed you up nice and pretty, no scars!
Yet, as a woman, we let petty little things mar our feelings and we become super-beasts. God made me emotional, and God knows I am emotional to the core, but for some reason he made me patient enough to never hit. I am proud of that fact, but I am not proud of the fact that I have taken things about on my friends with my words.
That is in its own way,a punch in the soul.
Someone happened to talk some dirt on me, I was so very unhappy with this fact that I spilled to my best friend about it, who just so happens to be good friends with this woman. I felt so bad, I just didnt talk about it anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to swallow pride and the burning need to redeem your self?! Its like trying to win at chess. All strategy. I SUCK at strategy.
I am Mrs. Blunt-and-to-the-point.

So pray for my mouth to stay shut, and forgive me if a few words leave.

Set a guard , oh Lord, before my lips.

Love your friends, and think of the way they would feel if you spilled something about one of their friends if you were upset. Would you tell them they were wrong? Would you not say a thing? Or would you avoid the situation and leave?

Thanks much and God Bless!

The New look of No Regrets.

2009-03-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

Come and enjoy the all new, brand new...motto and picture. WOOOOOO HOOO!

Spring Break.

2009-03-13T12:50:00.000-05:00

"Whoso loves, believes the impossible."
Elizabeth Barret Browning

William Wordsworth--
"Faith is a passionate intuition"

W. H. Auden--
To choose what is difficult all one's days, as if it were easy, that is faith.

Mercy Me--
"I can only imagine..."

In this day and age, when men cheat freely, women manipulate frequently, and religions batter their followers, its nice to catch the beautiful little moments when God puts his hands on the earth and shows us a glimpse of his power and awesome ability to heal and love.

I am a Montessori teacher's assistant, who is never treated like an assistant. I am treated as an equal and the children see me as an equal as well. I feel like I fit in nicely, and the kids are my heart, but there are some days when the frustration makes me feel just a little worthless. Today, as I sit there eating my lunch ..I watch a child make the funniest looking Mr. PotatoHead, with huge lips and an arm coming out of its head. I laughed so hard I cried..and I felt so much better...just laughing. That's how I know there is a God, and why I have faith.

When a person laughs..it releases pain that was locked away, escaping softly behind a laugh instead of hurting through a scream. I didn't have the best of childhoods, no one really does, but I am glad I have God now, to help me let go of all of those deep dark sins, and lies, and painful memories. Everyday it gets easier to realize that I AM a good person, that I DO have talents, and that I AM successful.

SO in order to make you laugh..and release your pain, grief, or overflowing bucket of happiness, I will tell you a funny story.

SO I am with my friends one day, just having a coffee and one of my male friends turns to me and says, "Do you know where my paper went?" And at that very moments...SPLAT. His paper, that was situated in the side of his laptop bag flies up and smacks his coffee into his lap and hits him in the face. He pulls the paper off of his face, looks down at his stained khakis and laughs so hard he nearly knocks my coffee off the table. The paper read. "Lawsuit on Coffee tainted with bad evidence."
Haha.

Smile a little. I am Mrs. Grumpy DoodleDoo today and I am still writing something to inspire you. So cheer up and live life in a happy way. Swat away the bad. And LAUGH.

One smile.

2009-03-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

Smile at someone today. Trust me, it's worth it...even in this day and age where you still get flipped the bird for waving . Its worth it when that person smiles back, or nods their head.

Someone once told me that my smile tells people who I am. It tells them that I am open with my feelings, I express them out loud and in the simple showing of teeth, and that I have nice teeth and good lips. Some people notice the physical first, but thats human nature. I have always noticed that a true smile is not forced, nor asked, nor given. A true smile is those ones you dont see in the pictures. Its the smile you see when you see something you love, something you care about, something you are happy about. THATS A SMILE.

Faith in Flying.

2009-02-27T11:30:00.000-06:00

Gravity is spiteful. It holds you down, it makes you not jump nearly as high as those guys in the videogames..it denies you flight.
I used to think that gravity was the most awful thing in the world. It made me fall out of trees and scrape my knees, it made me stay on the ground when the kite I ran with flew in the sky, as free as the birds. I used to hate gravity.
Now I think of gravity as God's hands keeping me well grounded. Gravity allows me to walk on the street and not be blown into a building, just as God's hands keep me from harm. Gravity keeps me well grounded when paper flies about in the wind, unable to grip anything, just as God's love for me keeps me well grounded in my faith.
Yet I have the faith that when my spirit is not bound to this earthly body, then my spirit will fly far beyond this place and become part of the heaven that I so crave.

Faith makes me feel like I don't have to fly right now, because the waiting makes it that much sweeter.

Thank you Lord, for being my rock...my gravity.

Im a worrier.

2009-02-23T13:08:00.000-06:00

It seems like every day I think of something to say, something brilliant(to me at least), and then I say it... and people look at me like I'm odd, or a little off in the head. I often think of different ways to talk to someone, or ways to make a person feel more at home. I think of new ways to tutor my students, and new ways to write a paragraph in my book. ( Yes, I have a book in progress, and its been that way for 3 years...in progress.) I over-analyze things. I misspell, go back to fix it, and end up rewriting things I never meant to rewrite. In a way, I might be able to attribute that to my focus on too many things.

They say a persons home reflects who they are, as well as their car, or their locker. If their car/home is messy and unorganized, that means the person who owns it is messy and unorganized. If the car/home is neat and well kept, then that person is neat and well kept. Well if that statement is true, then I must be the most unorganized person in the world. Papers fly about in my purse, my laundry is never put away, I struggle to even find the remote at times. My current place of residence is not mine by choice, and in a month I will no longer live there, yet...I will move in with a person who is messy , unorganized and sort of loud. Will I cancel myself out by moving in with a messy person? I sure hope so.

Tips on keeping your house semi-clean.
1. Keep things in the same places you left them. If you take them, return them to their original place of residence.
2. When you see a small piece of paper on the floor, take the 2 seconds to throw it away.
3. Do your laundry on one specific day, or do small loads every 3 days. It will be so much easier.
4. Take your shoes off AT the door.
5. Designate a day for cleaning, and stick to it. If you say you'll clean then, then you better get on those rubber gloves and start cleaning.
6.Play some music loud enough to drain out all opposing thoughts.

Another thing I need to focus more on is leaving my emotions inside of me. I tend to let people hurt me, I tend to be too....sensitive. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it hurts when I use my arms, if you get my point. I am always getting hurt. I need to do what my grandmother said to me long ago and just go on. I need to let go and let GOD. He can take care of things for me, the ones that rest on my mind all of the time.

It might just be a female thing, but I tend to care too much about what people think of me, and insta-guilt overwhelms me most of my day. For example, I was sick this weekend...very sick...like, I didnt leave the bathroom for a few hours...ew, sorry I know that was TMI, but I had to. This weekend was the day of my School's Mardi Gras...and I couldnt attend due to my illness. I contacted as many people as I could, but none answered, and I was so sad that I cried, thinking that they would be upset at me for not showing up. I care too much what people think. Its not my fault no one picked up their phone, and its not my fault I had some bad sushi...its NOT.

I worry about the well being of the world too much. I cry at the commercials for WWF (World Wildlife Fund) and ASPCA, and anything involving small hungry children or dying animals, and then I cry harder for not having the money to send to them. Oh yeah, don't watch TV with me, I'll cry on you. I worry worry worry about everything everything everything involving the earth. Once again, I need to let go and let GOD. He made it, he takes care of it, he made us to take care of what we can. If I don't have the means currently to help out the earth, then God will make it so I can make the money to take care of the earth if that is one of my purposes on earth.

So, let's stop worrying and lets let go of our troubles and let God handle them.
I'm going to try right now, and stop worrying how much noise these small children are making and just find a way to solve it. =]

Advice from the 90s.

2009-02-18T10:52:00.000-06:00

Baz Luhrmann was a brilliant man who spoke these words of advice. Read them, Google him and listen to them, or just ignore my post. But please, scan over.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97 ...If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

I love that song/speech because it inspires me to be that better person I should be. Take a good long look at yourself, and realize that change is possible. And it will be good if you let it.

Friends.

2009-02-17T11:35:00.000-06:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4

Yes I know V-Day is over, as many of you are glad of. But on that friday before V-day I had an epiphany, and I finally understand the true meaning of love.

I have the most wonderful person as a co-worker, and I am so very blessed to have her in my life. This woman who thinks of others, and cares for her students as if they were hers. This woman who can make me laugh, and who can make the funniest faces. This woman who's faith and hope in marriage gives me faith and hope for my future. This woman who dares me to make more of myself, and gives of herself to make me that better person. I thank this woman for all she has done, and all that I pray we can do together in the future. Thank you Anna.

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Those are the words on the picture frame she gave me, and they mean more to me that she will ever know. I am so blessed! She is the true meaning of love. No, not in the other way..ew...but like...she loves me as a friend does, and it is a good love to have in your life.

"What is a friend?A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
Author: Aristotle

Friends are the people that make you laugh when you have been crying all day.
Friends are the ones that look you in the eye and make a face right as you are saying something important, but they straighten up and listen once they know you're serious.
Friends are the people you cry to when you get your heart stomped on.

Keep those who would praise you near, and those who would hurt you far from you.

I am just full of little snippets of info and quotes today. Its actually pretty funny.

READ MORE LATER.

Complaining. A continuation. and Valentines.

2009-02-12T11:38:00.000-06:00

And here is the continuation of my previous blog. "Oh the things I learn"

So I get this message one day I sat there, praying to God to end this swiftly, and there he was, writing me and telling what a coward he was. I didn't need to hear it, I knew it! He had hidden from me, and that in my book puts him as a level 7 coward! So, me being the oh-I-am-still-in-love-fool , I ask him if he is coming back to where I live, the supposed place of our new beginning, and he feeds me a line of Bull Spit, saying he missed his family too much and his friends. First of all, he had done nothing but complain about them when he was down here. Anyways, long story short, he left me. There is absolutely no closure, and I feel as if the weight still sits there, but in time, in God's time I will be better.

Now that that rant is over and done with I can tell you something amazing a friend taught me. It is better to dwell on the good rather than on the bad. In the bible it says that any non healthy words are a sin. Complaining! OH LORD. I have the biggest issue with that, due to the fact that I am a woman and words flow freely from my mouth past the filter that was issued upon puberty. I talk about my woes, but I think my point is I get past it. Its hard to distinguish whether when you're at a get-together and you are talking to a friend about your troubles, whether it's considered complaining or asking for advice.

Complaining is when you whine about how bad your circumstances are and do absolutely nothing about them. Complaining is when you look the dispenser of advice in the face, nod your head, and pretend your listening while you complain silently in your head because they are the ones speaking, and it would be rude to interrupt. Complaining is when you blabber on constantly, not caring that your friend might have something to say as well.

Taking advice is when you open your ears to the thought that some one else might have been through this and can help you. Taking advice is not smiling and nodding, is weeping on their shoulder and hugging them, genuinely thanking them for all they have done. Taking advice is letting your friend tell you their thoughts, and help them right back.

When you start to complain to an associate, a parent, a loved one, a child, remember this Psalm.

"Set a guard, O Lord, before my mouth;
Keep watch at the door of my lips."
Psalm 141.3

Valentines Day is coming up, and for those of you with significant others, please consider this alternative form of gratitude and offering of love.

St. Valentine was a priest who wed young christian couples in Rome. Sadly, he was martyred in the 3rd century, but when he was in prison (for helping wed christian couples) he would send out letters of faith and hope to the couples, who were also in prison. These were called Valentines.

This year, forget the chocolates, leave the flowers for the kids. On a small piece of paper write down a time and date. And on that date you will spend time with your loved one, and you will do what they want to do. This is a beautiful gift due to its generosity, for a persons time is very limited, and we must never take for granted the ones we love. So try it out, and have a wonderful Valentines day.

Here is my message of Hope and Faith to you young Christian couples.

"Love is patient and kind. Love never forgets to say goodbye. Love is the one thing that keeps us so close to God. I love you, my brothers and sisters. Keep love alive. Give it. Live it. Love it. Amen."

Oh the things you learn...

2009-02-09T12:24:00.000-06:00

When my grandmother would pick me up from school, back in the 90's,she would ask me what I learned as I sat down in her very large black cadillac.I hated that car. The seats were always either too hot, or too cold, never the right temperature for my bottom. I would fold my arms and sit there, replying , "Stuff." That sentence almost always led up to her replying, " Stuff is an awful lot to remember, maybe you should do your homework twice to get it all down right. "

God tests us the same way. Once to teach you , and another to see if you can remember it all. I learned that lesson the hard way, it hurt, like jamming your finger in a door, its not that bad, but it still bothers you.

If you read my last blog you would see that I was just a little, "WOE IS ME. WAHH WAHH. BLAH. BLAH. And such. Oh well, it hurt, I wrote it down. I was like a teenager who just couldn't keep it inside anymore! I was...acting a little 16ish. Anyway, moving on, this man did hurt me. Yet, I realized when I was younger I had done the same to someone.

I was young and a chubby little heartbreaker. I think my open personality got me into the weird dating scene, shoving me face first into the world of internet dating. I was such a nerd, I used to RP, DDR, SCA,IM, SPAM, T2, and so on. I was a weird kid. Yet, one day there was a man that came into my life, who changed my life. His name was Chris, and he was brilliant. He spoke to me as if I was a woman and not a child, which I most certainly was, and he made me feel accepted in a way no other had made me feel. We did the Instant message for a few months, and then the phone. He had a marvelous voice, deep and gruff. He spoke clearly, with wonderous words I had never heard of and he always made me laugh. But when he began to say I love you, and wanted to see me, things began to change. O didn't want to travel out there. I wanted him out here. AND THERE WAS MY LESSON.

With this previous relationship, the one in the BLAHBLAHCRY blog, I had actually had my internet boyfriend move here. Well things came to things and he had to go back to Dallas, where he lives. And for at least 3 days he did not talk to me. That is what upset me so badly. Oh I know, cry me a river right?

SO I get this mess--

No I want you to wait for it. TO BE CONTINUED.

I miss all the little things.

2009-02-06T11:20:00.000-06:00

The words.."I miss you." never have any meaning until some one is waving goodbye from a bus, and you have this deep dark feeling down in your heart that they aren't coming back. They kiss you sweetly in the bus station as you weep, almost collapsing into their arms, and whisper encouraging things, yet still, you feel it that this is the last time they will ever hold you. Their sweet kisses are lies, and their arms are like ropes. You are tied to this liar by your heart strings, and yet still you cling to this thief, this man who has told you of his love, and has washed tears from your face.

I have never been so weak. I poured myself into this man, literally gave him myself. And now, all I have to show for it is the outer shell of a woman who has nothing to her name but a broken heart and hands lifted to God.

I fell to my knees this morning , praying for this to end swiftly. Just end the heartache and begin the alone time.

And so I prayed this prayer.

"Dear Lord,
Take this want from me, and fill it with a need for you,
Take this pain from me and direct it to a love for you,
Take this man from me and replace him with a man sent from you,
and lord...could you please make him cute?"
AMEN

Hope you had a good laugh, because I did. Its good to laugh amidst your pain. If you don't, it takes longer to remember what a smile looks like. I like my smile, I tend to have dimples. Hah.

Let us move from depressive and saddening subjects to new and happy ones.

Songs to listen to while writing.

Yiruma. A classical pianist who can turn a piano into a bed of notes that float into your ears. Sounds interesting, eh? Look especially for Kiss the Rain, and River Flows in You.

Sia. She is sweet, and her voice is soft. A calming sort of sound. Breathe Me is a very personal song.

Death Cab for Cutie. Very mellow, a different beat, a weird set of lyrics, and a good message. Passenger Seat, Summer Skin, and Brothers on a Hotel Bed. All of them have very good messages...very deep and makes you think.

My friends, the like, 2 of you, I do wish to hear more from you and I do wish to see more posts, more comments, and more friends! =] Thanks guys.

Insipration.

2009-01-16T12:57:00.000-06:00

Have you ever looked at your life and realized how much your problems don't matter? NO! Of course you haven't! Maybe once at church as you looked up at the statue of Jesus and felt so utterly guilty that you gave blood, or donated clothes to the Salvation Army. God isn't about guilt. Yet in the minds of some people, he is the Almighty One Who Dispenses Guilt Upon The Masses! OH NO, GOD MIGHT MAKE ME PRAY!

Are we so selfish that we honestly think that God would guilt us into praying, or giving?! What has the world com--
I will not finish that sentence, because I already know the answer. The world has come to a crossroads where it must go one way or the other. Some think the world has already fallen into the trash bin, but I believe that second chances are always to be given. The world can choose to tear down more churches and build more parking lots, it can choose to allow organizations to kill its people, it can choose to smell its trees burn and never return. Or it can choose to climb above the smog and create a way to pull together, it can place God in the hearts of children and never say "Hope doesnt exsist!", it can be courageous and stand up for its children that are being abused... BUT WAIT.

Are we so ignorant that we don't even take notice of the people that do good things all day?!
Have you seen Meals on Wheels lately? Wow, all I can say is that they work their happy little buns off just to feed those in need, and I pray for their souls, it takes alot to be so patient and kind. It's hard for me to hold my tongue at times and I pray the Lord keeps a clamp on it, lest i get myself into trouble.
CareNet? Wow, to take a Christian environment and intorduce it to unwed mothers, letting them know that they will be ok, and not looking down on them for their relationship status or their sad situations (drugs, rape, alcohol..etc.). All they offer is help, and help they do, testing and offering to find them a doctor, I thank God for them every day. To have the patience to deal with sad circumstances.

TO BE CONTINUED>

Christmas wishes.

2008-12-22T19:21:00.000-06:00

There are some people in this world who look at things in a different manner than the rest of us. They wear "rose colored glasses" and smile when others frown, they have a skip in their walk, instead of a shuffle, and we look at them like they are insane. Us pessimists look at the world with blurry vision, hampered by the thoughts of anger, distress, and just our general worry about useless things, like our coffee was too hot, or work was too long. We should be thankful we had the money to get that coffee, or the car to get to that job.

So in this holiday season, let us put on our "green and red colored glasses" and feel the rush of ignoring the spilled coffee on your pants, brushing it off, and moving on with your day as if it never happened. Feel how good it is to take pride in your work , and forget what time it is, and that way you are smiling when work ends.

On another note, lets take into consideration, mr. Santa Claus, AKA St. Nicholas.

It was on wednesday evening that I recived an email that said ..
" The 4 stages of Life."

"1: First you believe in Santa Claus.
2: You stop believing in Santa Claus.
3: You become Santa Claus.
4: You look like Santa Claus."

Now, after laughing for several minutes and forwarding to other people, I thought of something important in the message.

I believed in Santa Claus until I was 8 years old. And the only reason I stopped believing is when I caught mommy hurrying up the stairs and saw her close the door, santa hat in hand. My belief in the person, Santa Claus, had ended and I was devestated. But when I did have that faith him , it was as strong as could be, ever. When you are a child you have ultimate faith in the things you want, and you will believe them until your hopes are dashed.
I will do as I always do, and incorporate God into this passage. Get used to it, please.

Child-like wonder is equal to Child-like faith, and as I see it, we are all children of God, taking baby steps on the road to salvation. As of right now, many christians are teens in faith, being awkward and rebellious towards our faith, treating it like our parents, ignoring it when we most need to and crying out for it when we are in need.

Becoming Santa Claus is the most rewarding thing on earth, and no I am not Tim Allen and this is not the "Santa Claus 4, Christmas on the fritz" or anything, but it is important to me. When you have children , and you buy them presents and you set them out on Christmas morning, it feels so good knowing that they will be smiling when they wake up at 4 AM and pounch you while you are asleep, snoring, and completely out of it from the night of present sneaking. Even in that haze of screaming children and sheets flying, you can smile knowing that they are gonna open those gifts and be so happy that they will pass out early that night from the excitement of opening things they have been waiting for weeks for. And that is a blessing in its self. Smile for that and remember to love being Santa Claus, for he/she is the most loved of humans. And for one night, you get to be that. be thankful.

P.S. I dont have kids, but my boyfriend does, and I love them dearly.

Be blessed this holiday season and wish for faith to restore its self in human kind, wish for the smiling faces of children, wish for the unconditional love our Lord and savior. Oh wait, he have me that at birth! THANK YOU God, for giving us your only son, for giving us your love, your hope, your world and our freedom. You washed us and took away our sin, and the only thing I can give to you this day my God, is my prayers, my worship, and my life. Thank you. THANK YOU.

Giving Christ back to Christmas.

2008-12-16T12:28:00.000-06:00

Peanut brittle. Candy canes that hang off of lopsided christmas trees. Presents wrapped in the most beautiful bows you have ever seen. People with sleepy eyes, staring at the cup of hot cocoa and smiling down at the squealing children who had opened their presents in 10 seconds flat, and that was only due to the tape,minus the tape it would have been 5 seconds.

Thats what I think of when I think of Christmas. But mine hasnt been like that in years. Probably due to the fact that I have gotten too big for my Alvin and the Chipmunk "Christmas Edition" Pajamas. Or maybe it is because I havent been offered a normal christmas in over 4 years.

I used to have the most wonderful Christmas'. I would wake up to the most fantastic display of wrapping paper and tinsle. My eyes would light up and jump about from package to package, then directly to the little note on the table that Santa ALWAYS left. Afterwards, after the dinner that came in the middle of the day, I would snuggle up to watch Rudolph, or Frosty, and almost always fall asleep. I was a very sleepy child.

But now, when I think of Christmas, I think of Giving. Giving all that I may, and never wanting anything back.
All I asked for Christmas this year was the presence of those I love. And God blessed me with a wonderful vacation to a small little town, filled with people, who are completely kind to me. I am truly blessed.

But today I was blindsided with the pain of someone else thinking material goods are more important than human contact.
I am dating this man, this wonderful man who just gives and gives and gives. His only problem is he believes that "things" are better than the simple company of friends.
He because so jealous today after learning that one of my friends bought me the gift that he was going to buy me. He was so upset that he didnt talk to me for hours. Finally I got him on the phone and asked him what was wrong, because he hadnt told me why he was mad. But when he told me, I was so flabberghasted I just stared at the phone. And then the tears rolled down. My heart broke at the fact he thought a little MP3 player would be more important than just being able to spend time with him. Finally, I told him that I was sad about him not realizing that I want only to spend my Christmas with him, and he bit his tongue, asking for forgiveness.

Christmas is not about the things you get, how expensive they were , how big they are, or how useful they are.
Its also not about the amount of money that you spent on someone else, or how big those gifts were.
God wants us to share what we have, give what we can, and love with all of our souls.

So put down the shopping list. Dont spend 45 dollars on that Hannah Montana whatchamajigger, or 85 on that tennis bracelet your wife will probably break when she is busting her buns trying to fix something broken.

Spend one hour playing a board game with your kids. Spend one hour massaging your wives feet. Spend one hour cuddling with your husband. Spend one hour in the same room with your whole family, MINUS THE TV. Turn off the Millionaire and make some memories. Call the loved ones you have out of town, and remember to love and celebrate the birth of Jesus, the one who came to save us, so that we might love upon our little ones....and our not so little ones. [Travis . LOL.]

Merry Christmas my readers. Now turn off the computer and love on your kids, your spouse, your girl, your man, your grandparents, your aunts, you cousins, and even those weird half relatives. =] GOD BLESS YOU!

Small Wonders.

2008-11-16T22:34:00.000-06:00

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder don't you know the hardest part is over let it in, let your clarity define you in the end we will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain.
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you, let it shine ,until you feel it all around you and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end.
Our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain.
All of my regret will wash away some how, but i can not forget the way i feel right now in these small hours these little wonders these twists & turns of fate these twists & turns of fate time falls away but these small hours these small hours, still remain.

Those are lyrics that really need to be broken down into perspective, or at least my perspective.
People really need to see that this song has more meaning in it than they see...or hear.

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder ,don't you know the hardest part is over let it in, let your clarity define you in the end we will only just remember how it feels

Now to me, that says we need to letgo of our past, to let God handle it. To let our worries sink, and neve return to haunt us as we so often do. To brush the dust off of our proverbial shoulders.
The hardest part IS over, the part where you give yourself to someone completely, trusting him and only him. Him being God. And I love this part, Let your clarty define you in the end.. Let WHO YOU ARE be the only thing that makes you who you are. God is in our hearts and therefore a part of us, influencing us in the most positive way possible. And the last, you will only just remember how it feels. You wont even remember, just barely, but enough to make you think, how it felt when you hurt before. Before i came to God, I was just an angry person, with angry thoughts. Now I am happy with myself, and that in turn, makes me a better friend.

Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate, time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain .

Time here on earth doesnt last forever, yet we should make what little time we have out of love and compassion. These little wonders, you ask? These little wonders are the child that is born despite hours of labor and the child that is born in 15 minutes, the way a child looks at his teacher when he learns a word, the way the teacher looks at that child and knows she has done well, the way a person will still stop and help someone cross the street, the way peoplegive to other openly, freely, and unashamed. These little wonders are what God creates to show you how wonderful our world is! And we look right past them, but they are still there, they still remain.

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you let it shine until you feel it all around you and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end .

Once again, let go of your worries. Let go and Let GOD. And I dont mind, if its me you need to turn to we'll get by...thats about friends. Leaning on your friends in times of need, not forgetting..Its the heart that really matters in the end. And who dwells in our heart? GOD.

I place God into every scenario in my life, and it truly does help me with things. Matters of the heart. As in. Will this man be right for me? Can he love God as much as I, and respect that I will need time to be close to him instead of rushing on in.

In matters of the pocketbook. Do you really need to be buying that purse when you haven't given tithe, or gotten something for your secret pal?

In Matters of the soul. God, is my Aunt with you? Why has she done this?

People will call me a Jesus freak up and down the street, before once taking into consideration why I ask God for somuch help. I ask him for his advice, and his love, and his companionship. I rely on him, with my "blind faith" and I get the things I need.

I have been told I am awful for following the Christian faith, and that I am worse for wanting to persue the Catholic faith. Yet, its the heart that really matters in the end.

On days like these..

2008-11-11T20:10:00.000-06:00

It on days like these that you realize how much God is present in your life.

I have always struggled with God, trying to reach out to him, but it was my own fault that I never reached far enough. I wasn't trying. I was just..hoping. I believe in hope, oh yes, but I was just expecting to be saved when I needed it. I needed to give myself to him, and I think today was that day.

At 12 AM we arrived at the church, a massive structure with menacing pillars and gothic spikes. Yet, when I stepped inside I heard the laughter of children, a sound I love and pray for everyday. There was a nusery school next to the small chapel where small cemonies, in this case the memorial, and the sound was so relieving to almost dropped my things. I think I had been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and with one little sound, it flew away.

To the dismay of my Aunt Chow, one of my mothers 5 sisters, I was running the sound and unable to sit with the family. I ran over the songs and I was perfectly fine...until 2 people came in. They sat quietly, one folding her arms, but they looked so...unhappy to be there. Of course no one is ever happy to be at a funeral for a friend, or family member, but they did not look mournful, they looked obligated. Let me explain obligated. Its like having to go to a party where you know people that you need to meet will be. These women, very short, and very old, looked like they had to come to this and they sat there, arms folded, like teenagers at a quilters clique. I was, for a lack of better words, pissed.

Yet the anger subsided into crying and I looked like a sobbing mess for 5 minutes in a quiet room while the rest of my family filed in.

Now, I don't need to tell you about the weeping during the ceremony, or any of that. Sad things happen on sad occasions. But I do want to tell you that the pastor of that church is amazing, and I will visit his church, often.

God does indeed have mysterious ways of going about things. I don't think I have ever prayed more in one day than I did today. Mostly to keep my Aunts and Cousins and Mother and Grandmother from losing their heads. I was strong for a while, long enough to take care of those who needed me, and I thank God for granting me that.

But the strangest things were happening today. We found the serenity prayer on 3 different book marks in my grandmothers bible, on a window in the hotel, and before today, last week, I prayed it twice, and gave someone a gift with that prayer on it. God was telling me something, and I think it meant, share. Change. Give. Love. And pray more often!

Thank you God, for my beautiful, rebellious Aunt Jeri. She is in our hearts and aways will be.

Remeber that each day you leave the house, each morning you wake, each night before you eat, to thank GOD for that day and for the people you love most.

Where for art thou Sunday?

2008-11-09T12:03:00.000-06:00

I woke early this morn to find that I had spent the night at my Aunt's best friend's house, where my Aunt from out of town was staying due to the loss of my other Aunt, my dearest Aunt Jeri.

On a side note, I would like to mention that my Aunt was one of the best people to live, and I miss her so much. But I am very glad that she is in Heaven where she can be with her most favorite of people, My great Grandfather, Papa.

It was 9:45, and morning mass had already started and I banged my head on the table more than a few times, as I sat down to look at my tired and very forlorn Aunt Cherril. I had missed Mass, on the day when I most needed it. I thought to myself, as I sat there, "Why does my body refuse to wake on the days when I most need and crave the word of God?"
And then I thought about it some more, and I realized it was out of fear. I fear the process of coming to God, and realizing my own potential. But as I sit here, I realize that I do not need to come to God, for he already has me in his arms. So as I sipped at my morning coffee I promised myself that I would attend next Sunday's Mass and I would go to the confimation classes that signed up for and I would stay true to my word.

One of the teachers at my school, who is the wife of the blog I now follow, is my sponsor and I know she will do me right. She is so very nice to me, and has never wronged me in anyway, Travis is a very lucky guy.

So Sunday, here I come, to listen, to worship, to inhale the very word of God.

Thank you to Travis, and Jen. I do hope you read this, and I hope that we have a blessed day.

And Travis, though we havent met properly, if there is a proper way to meet, I think you are a great guy. Your Blog is awesome and it inspires me to write more.

God Bless.

The endless amounts of poetry.

2008-11-08T19:21:00.000-06:00

You will never guess how many poems I have written. And by poem, I mean angry, depressive, and sometimes quite logical words strewn together into a non-rhyming pattern. Not that sissy, "Roses are Red" stuff. I am so complex I even confuse myself,. And this blog, this is not a new thing to me , only a new website, where I will fill e-pages, with words that will either make no sense at all to you, or completely shock you. Or you might love it, and tell your publisher about it!
And there will be typos...oh there shall be. For I am sometimes too busy to spell check, or even stop typing.

You will get used to it, once you read the rest of my work. I might stop to look over my words, but I doubt it.

Thanks you Blogspot. I think you will serve me well.