Long time, No write..

I seriously considered deleting this account.

I tend to be a "in the moment" writer and I write about what I feel. At times, I can be, too open. I shared things on this blog that I do not regret, but I do look at and wince. The memories aren't even that fresh and they still bother me just a little bit. However that would be a step back in my mental recovery.

As much as it would have been much more pleasant to start over and being with a new blog, it would take away from the meaning of "this" blog. I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, to move forward and never backwards, to leave the past where it belongs, behind me. And I will do just that, I will leave the words I wrote a while back there, to remind me that I will not repeat my mistakes in the future. But I will update you all on my life so far.

I am young, I know this, and sometimes I make foolish desicions, but they are mine and I am glad I live my life on my own terms and try to be the best person possible. I do, however, fail often and I try just as often to stand back up and try again. I recently encountered a few...dishonest..people in my life. The kind of people you trust, then you spend any alone time with them and they show you what kind of person they "really" are. I would like to think that I am not naieve, but I suppose I am. I trust often and let people be my friends, and in the end , very few of them turn out to be good people. I would like to not think that this is a character flaw in myself, to be kind to people, but I fear that in this day and age.. there are too many wicked people out there making bad names for the good ones, and it's hard for me to distinguish who they are. Anyway, a few people have hurt me, and said some untrue things, making it hard for me to connect with myself and others. I am coming out of a 4 month depression, trying to lift myself up after the loss of my career, my apartment, my money, my posessions, my credit, my pride. I even went through a time when I thought my best friend was going to commit suicide... I was the one she called out to, I was the one who called the police, I was the one who sat through her treatment and waited for her to recover, always being there on the other side of the phone.. I held her problems on my shoulders, as I hold the weight of my mothers judgement, and the weight of my job loss and other things. My shoulders were too heavy.. and I didn't even think to let God take it. His hands are so much stronger than mine. I am letting him have it. Letting him take it, and things are getting easier.

So, I am starting over. I have a job interview for a company I love. I am in a healthy relationship. {I can't even tell you how awful the last one ended. You never realize how evil a person is until they decide to throw a fit...over YOUR birthday. } I am in a house that is being taken care of and I will be starting school...

Things DO get better. Just have faith. :)

Irony.

It really slaps you in the face.
Irony really has a way of putting you in your place.
Do you know how funny the word "fired" is?
It's the one word that instilled fear and positivity into me at the same time when it was uttered. When an employer looks you in the face and hands you a piece of paper telling you they.."hate doing this but.."
It's hte but that gets me. I would have much rather just had her stick it to me, like.."Hey..You sucked. Mk? Get out. " That's much nicer than the "Well it was this this this this this and this". I don't need her explinations. What I need is a new job.
I fear the loss of my home, seeing as I pay rent and bills, and I fear being unable to feed myself and I selfishly fear a ruined birthday.
But I also see the good in the loss. I lost a job, but I gained a freedom. I felt very confined. God was just telling me to switch my view from compact to long-range.
The funny thing is I loved that job. Despite the politics and the secrecy and the sometimes mistreatment of certain employees there, I loved the children.
When you work with children you gain a sort of attitude where little things in your life sort of seem meaningless. Sure, my dishes were dirty, but I had helped a child learn sign language or how to spell, or write. My laundry was in need of doing, but I got to see someone smile, an innocent smile, a smile that can change the world.
But God will open doors to make up for the one he shut. All I need do is wait, pray, and know that this is his plan, this is his way of setting me where I need to be.

As I mourn the job I have lost, and the loss of the kids I have met and loved, I take the time to realize that I have so many good things in my life. I have a loving bunch of friends, I have a loving man in my life, I have a home ...

God thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for being there in my times of need. Thank you for never letting me giving up and thank you for putting those people in my life that will never let me give up.

Thank you.

Change.

Venting to commence in 3 seconds.
1..
2..
3..
Life is surely strange.It cycles and changes and whirls and steadies..

Life never stays the same.

New years, new ages, new bodies, new things, new people. Oh man is it strange. I know I am young and all this stuff is new, but I am just very caught off guard by the way things are thrown at you. I am not afraid of much, but I am afraid of ending up like my mother, of ending up alone, of ending up un-happy with myself because I made others happy before I thought of myself.

I understand selflessness, and I understand self-preservation...
but I could not bare to be forced into descisions that could change my entire life without having the proper amount of time to understand the descision, evalute it, adjust to it.

Am I over-analyzing my existance? Maybe I think I am meant for more, when I am already in the place I am supposed to be. What if I am in a place where I am stuck, waiting to go on to bigger and better things?

How do you know when you have gotten there? Questions like this plague me every day. DO I listen and strive to be better, or do I wait and see?


Sometimes all I can do is sit and listen, and wait for the answer by simply shutting up and letting go.

Venting completed.

Re-post.

In the other blog it didnt post.The video is not going to show up, so here is the link. Please watch this.



http://connect.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=849dc7c803281df74bb2

Looking back.

When you woke up this morning, did you look at yourself in the mirror? I did. I saw the same ol' me. I saw the girl that woke up on the right side of the bed, pajamas tangled in the sheets, hair stuck to the side of her head, and a bad case of morning breath. Now, I take a good look at that person and frown sometimes. No one likes to look like torn up in the morning. I mean, come on. The first thing you wanna see in the morning is not yourself looking pretty grimy. So I decided to try something new.

For once I looked past the tangled hair and pajamas, past the pale skin and blemishes, past all the faults this body has and saw that I was happy on the inside.It's didn't matter that I looked all gross and that I smelled a little funky. That doesn't mean I didn't remedy that right away by showering, but I still saw the inside rather than my outward appearance.

Tomorrow morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look in the mirror. Look past all your flaws, and see the beautful you inside.

Eph.2:10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them

This is a video I wanted to share, simply in the fact that it has changed my life. It put things in perspective for me. I wanted to share it with all of you because you are wonderful to me, no matter who you are, what you've done, or what you will do. =] Love, trust, and have faith. Enjoy.



http://connect.tangle.com/flash/swf/flvplayer.swf" FlashVars="viewkey=849dc7c803281df74bb2" wmode="transparent" quality="high" width="330" height="270" name="tangle" align="middle" allowScriptAccess="always" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" />

Plans.

I suck, I repeat SUCK, at being patient. Sure, I am not as bad as those people that honk at a car right as the light turns green or anything like that, but I get so very impatient when it comes to things I want. If I want a movie, and I see it in the store and I have the money on me, that movie gets bought. If I hear a song on a YouTube video, I absolutely have to find it on my music site right away. It's ridiculous, but it's one of those...things. Everyone has a "thing" that they do that makes other people go.."Er, what's up with you?".

My finace lives in another state at the moment, finishing up his college degree so that we might live the most wonderous life and have our happily ever after, and I was extremely impatient at the beginning of our relationship. Like, I was impatient for his calls, his texts, his words, his thoughts, his very being. Oh yeah,I was super clingy. I was in the infatuation stage of the relationship, where everything had to be exciting and had to be right, otherwise I would just break up with him. He, of course, was wonderful,did everything right and treated me like a queen. I was still, however, impatient. And my impatience got me into some trouble. But God blessed him with the most patience any one on this earth could handle. He put his hands on the bond that we shared and made it strong again, and I thank Him every day for that.

But from every experience you earn knowledge about the future and how to handle it. God gave me patience. I now have the patience to handle the future of my relationship with my finace. I have the patience to look at myself in the mirror and realize that every fault I have shouldn't hold me back from what I want, what I need, what I love. I have so much respect for my love, who can hold his tongue even when his heart shouts, who can pray often, who can smile through the heartache, and who can love me even though my faults once held me away from him.

But God had other plans for us. Plans for him to be successful, plans for me to learn and teach, plans for him to be patient with me, plans for me to be patient with him and oh so many more good things.

So I leave this blog with with a wonderful quote from the bible.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future. "
- Jeremiah 29:11

Memories of School Days past.

I watched them turn around and walk away. The little feet running towards their parents, their little hands filled with their works, their gifts, their little reminders that they were in school for 8 months of the last year. Of course 2 weeks in to summer they won't care who was their teacher last year, they probably wont even remember me! But I will remember them, and I will remember the things that THEY taught me. I've learned that patience is gained through experience. I've learned that everything a child has to say is VERY important to them. I've learned that a hug can heal everything. I've learned that when they win, I win! I've learned that God gives each one of us a place in life, and each child has so much potential to make that place so much brighter.

Another school year is over. Teachers wipe silent tears away as they watch their students go. Students smile as they remember that that teacher allowed them the access to knowledge that made them who they are.

The bond between a teacher and their student is forever, long after the graduation, the job after that, the reunion. I will forever take my students in my heart. And I thank God for the marvelous opportunity to be a helping hand to the little hands that grip mine at the beginning of a new school year.

Here's to the 2009 Fall School year!

Thank you God for a marvelous year, and for the wisdom I have gained.