Friday, March 26, 2010

Long time, No write..

I seriously considered deleting this account.

I tend to be a "in the moment" writer and I write about what I feel. At times, I can be, too open. I shared things on this blog that I do not regret, but I do look at and wince. The memories aren't even that fresh and they still bother me just a little bit. However that would be a step back in my mental recovery.

As much as it would have been much more pleasant to start over and being with a new blog, it would take away from the meaning of "this" blog. I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, to move forward and never backwards, to leave the past where it belongs, behind me. And I will do just that, I will leave the words I wrote a while back there, to remind me that I will not repeat my mistakes in the future. But I will update you all on my life so far.

I am young, I know this, and sometimes I make foolish desicions, but they are mine and I am glad I live my life on my own terms and try to be the best person possible. I do, however, fail often and I try just as often to stand back up and try again. I recently encountered a few...dishonest..people in my life. The kind of people you trust, then you spend any alone time with them and they show you what kind of person they "really" are. I would like to think that I am not naieve, but I suppose I am. I trust often and let people be my friends, and in the end , very few of them turn out to be good people. I would like to not think that this is a character flaw in myself, to be kind to people, but I fear that in this day and age.. there are too many wicked people out there making bad names for the good ones, and it's hard for me to distinguish who they are. Anyway, a few people have hurt me, and said some untrue things, making it hard for me to connect with myself and others. I am coming out of a 4 month depression, trying to lift myself up after the loss of my career, my apartment, my money, my posessions, my credit, my pride. I even went through a time when I thought my best friend was going to commit suicide... I was the one she called out to, I was the one who called the police, I was the one who sat through her treatment and waited for her to recover, always being there on the other side of the phone.. I held her problems on my shoulders, as I hold the weight of my mothers judgement, and the weight of my job loss and other things. My shoulders were too heavy.. and I didn't even think to let God take it. His hands are so much stronger than mine. I am letting him have it. Letting him take it, and things are getting easier.

So, I am starting over. I have a job interview for a company I love. I am in a healthy relationship. {I can't even tell you how awful the last one ended. You never realize how evil a person is until they decide to throw a fit...over YOUR birthday. } I am in a house that is being taken care of and I will be starting school...

Things DO get better. Just have faith. :)