It on days like these that you realize how much God is present in your life.
I have always struggled with God, trying to reach out to him, but it was my own fault that I never reached far enough. I wasn't trying. I was just..hoping. I believe in hope, oh yes, but I was just expecting to be saved when I needed it. I needed to give myself to him, and I think today was that day.
At 12 AM we arrived at the church, a massive structure with menacing pillars and gothic spikes. Yet, when I stepped inside I heard the laughter of children, a sound I love and pray for everyday. There was a nusery school next to the small chapel where small cemonies, in this case the memorial, and the sound was so relieving to almost dropped my things. I think I had been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and with one little sound, it flew away.
To the dismay of my Aunt Chow, one of my mothers 5 sisters, I was running the sound and unable to sit with the family. I ran over the songs and I was perfectly fine...until 2 people came in. They sat quietly, one folding her arms, but they looked so...unhappy to be there. Of course no one is ever happy to be at a funeral for a friend, or family member, but they did not look mournful, they looked obligated. Let me explain obligated. Its like having to go to a party where you know people that you need to meet will be. These women, very short, and very old, looked like they had to come to this and they sat there, arms folded, like teenagers at a quilters clique. I was, for a lack of better words, pissed.
Yet the anger subsided into crying and I looked like a sobbing mess for 5 minutes in a quiet room while the rest of my family filed in.
Now, I don't need to tell you about the weeping during the ceremony, or any of that. Sad things happen on sad occasions. But I do want to tell you that the pastor of that church is amazing, and I will visit his church, often.
God does indeed have mysterious ways of going about things. I don't think I have ever prayed more in one day than I did today. Mostly to keep my Aunts and Cousins and Mother and Grandmother from losing their heads. I was strong for a while, long enough to take care of those who needed me, and I thank God for granting me that.
But the strangest things were happening today. We found the serenity prayer on 3 different book marks in my grandmothers bible, on a window in the hotel, and before today, last week, I prayed it twice, and gave someone a gift with that prayer on it. God was telling me something, and I think it meant, share. Change. Give. Love. And pray more often!
Thank you God, for my beautiful, rebellious Aunt Jeri. She is in our hearts and aways will be.
Remeber that each day you leave the house, each morning you wake, each night before you eat, to thank GOD for that day and for the people you love most.