Wednesday, August 5, 2009


It really slaps you in the face.
Irony really has a way of putting you in your place.
Do you know how funny the word "fired" is?
It's the one word that instilled fear and positivity into me at the same time when it was uttered. When an employer looks you in the face and hands you a piece of paper telling you they.."hate doing this but.."
It's hte but that gets me. I would have much rather just had her stick it to me, like.."Hey..You sucked. Mk? Get out. " That's much nicer than the "Well it was this this this this this and this". I don't need her explinations. What I need is a new job.
I fear the loss of my home, seeing as I pay rent and bills, and I fear being unable to feed myself and I selfishly fear a ruined birthday.
But I also see the good in the loss. I lost a job, but I gained a freedom. I felt very confined. God was just telling me to switch my view from compact to long-range.
The funny thing is I loved that job. Despite the politics and the secrecy and the sometimes mistreatment of certain employees there, I loved the children.
When you work with children you gain a sort of attitude where little things in your life sort of seem meaningless. Sure, my dishes were dirty, but I had helped a child learn sign language or how to spell, or write. My laundry was in need of doing, but I got to see someone smile, an innocent smile, a smile that can change the world.
But God will open doors to make up for the one he shut. All I need do is wait, pray, and know that this is his plan, this is his way of setting me where I need to be.

As I mourn the job I have lost, and the loss of the kids I have met and loved, I take the time to realize that I have so many good things in my life. I have a loving bunch of friends, I have a loving man in my life, I have a home ...

God thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for being there in my times of need. Thank you for never letting me giving up and thank you for putting those people in my life that will never let me give up.

Thank you.


Venting to commence in 3 seconds.
Life is surely strange.It cycles and changes and whirls and steadies..

Life never stays the same.

New years, new ages, new bodies, new things, new people. Oh man is it strange. I know I am young and all this stuff is new, but I am just very caught off guard by the way things are thrown at you. I am not afraid of much, but I am afraid of ending up like my mother, of ending up alone, of ending up un-happy with myself because I made others happy before I thought of myself.

I understand selflessness, and I understand self-preservation...
but I could not bare to be forced into descisions that could change my entire life without having the proper amount of time to understand the descision, evalute it, adjust to it.

Am I over-analyzing my existance? Maybe I think I am meant for more, when I am already in the place I am supposed to be. What if I am in a place where I am stuck, waiting to go on to bigger and better things?

How do you know when you have gotten there? Questions like this plague me every day. DO I listen and strive to be better, or do I wait and see?

Sometimes all I can do is sit and listen, and wait for the answer by simply shutting up and letting go.

Venting completed.