Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm an optomistic failure.

Sometimes, when I am watching the televsion, I evaluate the people I see doing things and i judge them on it. Now, I don't know these people, nor do I know who they conduct their business, their lives, their... anything. Yet, I pre-judge them and I feel better about myself for it, because I was sooo "cool" for pointing something negative out. You know, like when you watch some weight loss show and you laugh about how the overweight person can't finish running up the hill. I don't think I would do that, due to the fact that I used to BE that person..so..yeah.
Any how, do you get my point? People pre-judge by the appearance of a person.
Now it's your turn to judge me.
I am a normal woman , with a very normal life. I get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. Sounds like a boring lifestyle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have friends over and such, just not that often. And people judge me every day. I am judged for my age in the workplace.
I don't see a problem with being the youngest assistant, because I do my job to my best ability and I shouldn't be teased about my age just because some older woman is jealous of my youth.
I am judged for my relatioship with God. I love God, I turn to him for everything..I smile when I think of him, I pray as much as I can.. yet I have people in my life who would frown upon me for my God.
I am judged for my weight. I am not small, nor am I huge, but I am not at a comfortable weight for myself and I feel a little...un-attractive.
I am judged for my relationship. I have a finace who lives in Missouri. Yes I've met him, we've known each other for 2 years...IN PERSON. He just happens to be in college and I just happen to love my job here. He will be here soon. :)
I can overcome all of those things. I can forget what people say and let go and let God handle all of that stuff. It isn't that hard. BUT...I have difficulty overcoming this one huge mess up in my life.
I cheated.
And I cheated horribly. I was a wimpy, ignorant, silly girl who thought physical intimacy would make up for the gap in my relationship with my finace. It didn't help. I fell flat on my face, and told my mn as soon as he got here on his break from college. Of course he was upset..in fact..he was going to leave. But for some odd reason..he did not leave. He kissed me and told me I needed to make it up to him by being his and only his for the rest of his life. I agreed and things are better, but you can never shake this feeling of regret. Oh the irony. The title of my blog is NO REGRETS. HMM?! I messed up. But I realized that I can't regret this mess up in my life. If it had not happened I would not have grown stronger from it, and I wouldn't be writing this for other people to hear.

I fought my self about writing this down for all the internet, or at least a few bloggers, to read and gasp and judge me about.But I realized I have already been judged by God, and I have no one else to convince. I have been forgiven, I have let go, and I am happy to say that I can love MYSELF again.
So smile and remember that even the bad things in life have positive outcomes, whether it be experience, or self-forgiveness, or self-love, knowledge, or appreciation.

I thank God for my flaws, for my mess ups, for my failures. They made me strong in my faith and in my life.

May all of you learn from your failures, and your trials. God Bless you all, and have a wonderful week discovering what a wonderful person you really are.

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